This year and last have borne many experiences, some I consider good and hope to remember forever and others I consider to be bad and would love to forget. And yet, I regret nothing.
I’ve always deemed myself a great proponent of forgiveness…but I never realized it’s only easy for me to forgive in situations where everyone sits down and hears each other out, no one throws low blows at anyone, and it ends with a much stronger relationship where no one feels like they’ve been run over by a semi and the other person just skips away unscathed. I pray for these encounters…BUT…There are other times where you are trying to have a discussion and the person can only see their side, and you are trying to figure out what to say and how to handle it, but nothing comes out right and it all just falls apart and you feel like you’ve lost something.
I hate those times.
Mostly because I always feel like no one hears a word I say…everything gets twisted around to mean something else or my pride gets in the way and I start to interrogate the person as opposed to just saying what I feel (great way to avoid an issue by the way…deflect).
Have you ever tried to spend time with someone after your relationship has fallen apart and you’re trying to be “normal” all the while feeling like they never cared enough to even listen to you?? It’s torture. That’s where resentment comes in. Worst feeling in the world…especially when you love that person. I’ve found its damn near impossible to ‘accept the apology you never got’ or however that saying goes…uggghhh, who do I look like Ghandi??? I’ve learned recently that resentment boils out of me in the form of ‘word vomit’…don’t provoke me or I WILL yell out “Of course I hate you some days, you ignore the shit out of me whenever I have something important to say”…yep. it happens.
Haha I’m writing all this about a guy mostly. I adore him but I can’t be around him because my feelings are still hurt and I feel like I was treated unfairly. I feel like assumptions were made and never once did he just ask..”K, what is it that you came to say”? Or even “K, what the FUCK do you want from me?”…my response would be “to feel seen” it had nothing to do with titles, dates, money, and everything to do with the fact that even by friend standards I couldn’t count on him. I miss him, but being the only who shows up in any relationship is toooo hard. Only time can fix this and i hope it does…because having that oh so wonderful conversation where everyone feels heard seems so out of reach.That being said…I wrote this for closure…no one will ever read this im sure but I just needed to get it out of my head.